Thursday, November 22, 2012

Miss Cassandra

Do I look as different as I feel?

Lately a lot of people have taken to calling me Miss Cassandra. I noticed it first with my friend Adam. I sent him an e-mail explaining somethings pertaining to dating. An e-mail which said caused him to gain respect for me. Ever since I have been Miss Cassandra. It just happened again with my friend Hart. I was talking to Hart about his life and how I know that there wasn't much I could tell him to make things better but I would do what I could to be there for him. And I became her again, Ms. Cassandra.

The thing is I am becoming a Ms. Cassandra. I've heard lots of people talk about how they didn't even notice they were growing up, but I feel it, and frankly its kind of painful. At the same time, I feel amazing; I am becoming someone strong. I am speaking my mind and spending time with God. I am become the Miss Cassandra that I've always known I wanted to be, but was to lazy or rebellious to become. I can pin point the day this started and the events along the way.
I know I don't look as strong as I feel. I need to life some weights.


Here is a slice of what I have been thinking about growing up lately.

I realize it is trivial to assign steps to growing up, this is a common theme I've been observing:
Realizing where you have been. Realizing where you are. Realizing where you want to be. Doing something about it. I think to realize where you want to be you have to realize where you are. I think to realize where you are you have to realize where you have been.

For a long time I have been stuck in the realizing where you are stage. I've known for so long where I was. I was well aware of the fact that I was doing a lot of things that were not glorifying God. I definitely knew where I had been because that was causing me to act like I was. I thought I had some sort of excuse for hanging around in those juvenile times for a while. I didn't want to move on, I wanted to rebel, I wanted to kick and scream.

Maybe I had good reason, maybe I just wasn't ready to move on. But I started to want to want to move on, which is in fact different than wanting to move on. Then that want to want turned into pure wanting. So I examined what I wanted my future to look like. Not too closely, because lets face it I like to ride life like roller coaster. So I didn't picture my job or my husband or anything like that, I more pictured the character I wanted to have. Devout Christian, caring, strong, encouraging, someone who lives life the right way, I could go on but I'll spare my blog readers from a terribly long post.

Anyway after reveling in where I was, I started taking steps. I turned back to God, found him waiting with open arms. I am running from my vices. I am thinking critically about the relationships I enter (an encouraging others to do the same). Today I told my my mom what I thought. I stood up for myself in a way I never have before and I thought, "Where the hell is this coming from!?"

Now I remember.
That was Miss Cassandra speaking.
And damn do I like her.

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