Miss Cassandra

Do I look as different as I feel?

Lately a lot of people have taken to calling me Miss Cassandra. I noticed it first with my friend Adam. I sent him an e-mail explaining somethings pertaining to dating. An e-mail which said caused him to gain respect for me. Ever since I have been Miss Cassandra. It just happened again with my friend Hart. I was talking to Hart about his life and how I know that there wasn't much I could tell him to make things better but I would do what I could to be there for him. And I became her again, Ms. Cassandra.

The thing is I am becoming a Ms. Cassandra. I've heard lots of people talk about how they didn't even notice they were growing up, but I feel it, and frankly its kind of painful. At the same time, I feel amazing; I am becoming someone strong. I am speaking my mind and spending time with God. I am become the Miss Cassandra that I've always known I wanted to be, but was to lazy or rebellious to become. I can pin point the day this started and the events along the way.

I know I don't look as strong as I feel. I need to life some weights.

Here is a slice of what I have been thinking about growing up lately.

I realize it is trivial to assign steps to growing up, this is a common theme I've been observing:
Realizing where you have been. Realizing where you are. Realizing where you want to be. Doing something about it. I think to realize where you want to be you have to realize where you are. I think to realize where you are you have to realize where you have been.

For a long time I have been stuck in the realizing where you are stage. I've known for so long where I was. I was well aware of the fact that I was doing a lot of things that were not glorifying God. I definitely knew where I had been because that was causing me to act like I was. I thought I had some sort of excuse for hanging around in those juvenile times for a while. I didn't want to move on, I wanted to rebel, I wanted to kick and scream.

Maybe I had good reason, maybe I just wasn't ready to move on. But I started to want to want to move on, which is in fact different than wanting to move on. Then that want to want turned into pure wanting. So I examined what I wanted my future to look like. Not too closely, because lets face it I like to ride life like roller coaster. So I didn't picture my job or my husband or anything like that, I more pictured the character I wanted to have. Devout Christian, caring, strong, encouraging, someone who lives life the right way, I could go on but I'll spare my blog readers from a terribly long post.

Anyway after reveling in where I was, I started taking steps. I turned back to God, found him waiting with open arms. I am running from my vices. I am thinking critically about the relationships I enter (an encouraging others to do the same). Today I told my my mom what I thought. I stood up for myself in a way I never have before and I thought, "Where the hell is this coming from!?"

Now I remember.
That was Miss Cassandra speaking.
And damn do I like her.

'Work Hard' 'Give Birth' Day

I woke up at noon and an hour later I am still laying in bed blogging (and eating gobstoppers), ON A MONDAY. How is it possible? Labor Day that's how!

I have been back at school for just over a week (9 days) and have had two days of classes. Needless to say, for me it has been pretty chill around here.  So I will now ignore my homework by giving you a dorm room tour!

Tour Time!

Here is one angle of the room

The beds

The beds!
1. My bed
2. Kaity's bed
3. The rug that is so happy to walk on. (my mom and i walked on all the rugs in Target barefoot until we found the happiest one to walk on.)
4. My bookshelf (see detail below)
5. My dresser/ shelves/our bedside tables
6. The window (see detail below)
7. Kaity's desk

If you turn around!

1. Kaity's dresser and bookshelf
2. Our lamp (so our room doesn't look like a hospital)
3. The door (don't let it hit you on the way out!)
4. Kaity's desk
5. A trashcan!
6. Random stuff I put in front of the door due to rebellion
7. The AC unit that takes up too much of our room. And the mirror we hung on it so we would hate it less. We aren't allowed to put anything in front of it. 

On to my beautiful bookshelf

Bookshelf

 

 

 

 

1. All the cosmo you could ever read!
2. My fiction books
3. My school books
4. My Art books
5. My Devos/ Bibles/ Jorunals/ Stuff to make and mail letters
6. Fun non-fiction books I love reading.

The window!

Has an amazing view of shirtless boys playing volleyball. Not that we ever shamelessly watch them (with snacks).

Sitting Room

Due to lack of room in our room our
1. Fridge
2. My desk/ craft bin
and
3. Kaitys food and who else knows what

were moving to the front room. It all worked out pretty well.

Now you know exactly how my room looks.


On being back:

It is still a constant stuggle to convince Kaity that the devil is not in our room so all is normal there and I am absolutely adoring living with Brittany and Abby. The laughs are endless and there is always good company. I think that sophomore year is going to be a blasty blast!

More on my classes later. I think I'll actually do some homework now then go to IHOP!




Love you!

The Problem With Tee Shirts

I am not the Tee Shirt wearing type of girl. I always kind of wished I was because they always look so sporty and effortlessly cool, but when it comes down to me getting dressed in the morning the last thing I want to put on is a tee shirt.


I am writing this to you while I take a break from cleaning my room, you read that right I'm cleaning.

Trust me this is a big improvement.

Today while I've cleaned my room, I have stumbled upon many many tee shirts. Tee shirts frustrate me to no end because they all represent something I want to remember (i.e. South Hall, Young Life Camp, Kony 2012, college visits, The Starkenburg Quitich Team, the list goes on and on and on), so I end up keeping all of these shirts I never ever wear.

Haha remember Kony?

All of this cleaning and clothes sorting has been making me worry a bit. If you have ever helped clean my dorm room, or seem me with a bag of Laundry, you know I have A LOT of clothing. I have been trying to narrow it down but I seem to be attached to every piece of clothing I own, except the tee shirts which I have to keep on principle. I have no idea how I'm going to choose what to take to college I know one thing for sure though: I need to take less clothes than I did last year. We have smaller closets this year :(

Anyway if you have any suggestions for packing for college let me know. I love you!

Difficult Conversations

I have been having a lot of difficult conversations lately. Some over text, some in person but all equally difficult. I think it might be making me braver though. Possibly more confident but definitely they make me feel relieved.

Have you spoken whats on your mind lately?
I have.

Dear Rest of the summer,

Hurry your ass up. I want to go back to Chicago.

When I am back in Denver I realize just how cool living in Chicago should be. Why is it so hard for me to get into the city. I can't believe I live by all that culture and I never take a Saturday to saunter around a beautiful city.

So I'm making a list of next school year resolutions:
1. Hit the city at least once a month.
2. Get involved in the gallery scene downtown. I love art damn it.
3. Go on more late night adventures. (including but not limited to Omegas, the White Palace Grill in the city, and the Chi Cafe in Chinatown)
4. Meet people from the U of C. By this I mean creep on their college a bit, hang out in their coffee shops and things like that until I make some damn friends.
5. Read more. I've been reading a lot this summer and I miss it.
6. Don't act cliquish towards freshmen. I HATE Trinity's cliquish ways and I refuse to go into that cycle.
7. Get breakfast with cool people I care about. (i.e. Leah Laky, Alissa Vander Wilt, Courtney Roosevelt, all my Froomies)
8. Do my laundry more often. I think it will be easier in Alumni
9. Save my flex for the end of the semester.
10. Don't forget about my Denver self. When I am in Denver I find myself looking for adventure and being outgoing. That person faded into the distance when I went to Chicago the first time. I don't want to loose me.
11. Finally do better at keeping in touch with people from back home.

I know I am early on this list but trust me more items will be coming. I just really miss school. Who ever thought I would miss that tiny Trinity campus?

You know it is hot in the Alumni Gym when...

Running in the Alumni Gym was quite the experience. I was super nervous, so nervous in fact that I skipped the sign-in sheet, which I got in trouble for about two steps later. I signed in and took the treadmill by the drinking fountain, rookie mistake. As it turns out lots of people drink out of that drinking fountain, no kidding people in a gym drink water!? Anyway they would drink, turn around, and there would be my panting and flushed self looking pathetic.

Never Again

The is no service in the Gym so I couldn't use TinyShark to play my usual running playlist which left me with only the Shins or Ray LaMontagne. So the Shins obviously won that battle. Not the best running music, next time I'll bring my iPod.

I do not know if it is the change in altitude or the fact that I have been running everyday for a little over a week now but today running was not so hard. I didn't hate every second of it which is kind of unusual.

Where are we on here?

Also the Alumni Gym was HOT! So many bodies sweating and steaming in a little gym in the basement on a hot humid day. Yumm-o. It didn't take long for those satisfying trickles of seat to come pouring down my face, the things that make me happy when I run are gross and silly.

You know it is hot in the Alumni Gym when you walk into South Hall and it feels good and cool.

Next time I go to the Alumni Gym (tomorrow) I want:
to find a time when not as many people are there
the treadmill far away from that blasted drinking fountain
to remember to sign the sing-in sheet
and to have better music 


Run on. Run on. Life is good. I'm back at Trinity and this day is making me incredibly happy.

Hope your Monday is great!

Cassandra Lee

Running.

It is March, it has been for 14 days! So I guess it is a little late to pick a March goal, but I picked one anyway. Actually I picked it on the 10th if that makes you feel any better.

I don't know how this goal came to be honestly. I was just in the gym and I was doing the whole elliptical thing when I looked up saw the treadmill. And something got into me. A little voice from somewhere said, "You can do it, you can run". I of course laughed at that voice. It didn't leave though. So I listened.

I got off the elliptical walked over to the treadmill and started to walk. Then I started to run. It didn't last very long probably four minutes, yes pathetic. Then I walked some more. Then I ran again.

Kind of what I look like right now.

I left the gym thinking I hated every second of that. But I did love the number of calories I burned.

The next day, I went to the gym again. And headed straight to the treadmill. That is when I knew that this was going to be a thing, I was going to run. Another pathetic day of alternating and I knew I needed a plan.

This is where Pintrest came in. When I need a plan I turn to Pintrest and that led me to a site called superskinnyme.com (a really nice resource for all things fitness) and found a plan for beginning runners (http://www.superskinnyme.com/beginner_running_program.html, if you want to try with me). But Cassandra that is a ten week plan! March isn't ten weeks. Actually I have plans to run everyday, yes everyday, until July 6 then I will probably take it down to 3x a week.  I'm starting on week 3 because that is basically what I had been doing.

I'm going to be a runner.

My Plan, this goes on for 4 pages.

 (p.s. I've already lost 3 lbs, which makes convincing myself to run a hell of a lot easier)

After four days of running everyday, I still dislike it but I don't hate it. I can do this. Plus I'm training in Colorado which means (fingers crossed) it will be easier to run when I get back to good old Chicago.

V-Day

If you have ever spoken with me about love or romance you may have noticed I'm a bit of a cynic. That is because despite me gorgeous (average) looks and bubbly (actually pretty boring) personality I'm not good with the men. Sometimes I can pick them up but then I get so bored so fast or they do. It all just seems kind of hopeless and a bit pointless at this point.

So here I sit on Valentines day thanking about my approach to love. And although I say terrible things about it almost all the time, I want you to know I love love. I just haven't found it yet. And one day I will find someone that doesn't make me bored out of my mind. I'll get giggly and you will see a whole new Cassandra but until then I'll give you  a list of things I do love:

1. You, obviously
2. Trinity -it is such a God thing I am here. I'll tell you the story sometime if you want
3. Starkenburg Floor- because really who doesn't
4. My close friends- you know who you are!
5. Boys mid sections when they yawn and their shirt lifts up just enough for you to see their muscles- .... What was I doing again?
6. Tumblr- I am hopelessly addicted
7. My family- They are truly amazing and supportive. The more I learn about other people and their families the more I appreciate mine.
8. My dogs- I miss you Maggie and Marley
9. Dinner- I realize this now because I didn't go and now there a grumbling in my tumtum.
10. America- *moment of respectful silence* I'm so lucky to live in a place where I can go to school for what I want while embracing my religion.
Which brings me to God- He da man! Why do I love him so much? Come to bible study and find out.


I could go on but you probably got bored around number six.

Happy day. Remember what and who you love. And if you are single, hit the town, don't mope or I'll hit you. No seriously there is nothing I hate more than a moper.

Love,
Cassandra.

A trip to Indianapolis

This weekend I went to visit my friend Marlin in Indianapolis. It made me remember so much that I had forgotten about my high school life. Some of the things I had forgotten were probably best left in the past but others deserved way more attention than I was giving them. Marlin is one of the most inspirational people in this world. She reminds me that there is reason to strive to be good.

I have struggled, well I struggle, with lots of distractions. And I had been coming to a point in my life where I began to believe that it was okay for me to do the things I was doing. Who cared anyway? I thought "I'm young, I'll blame it on that later". I guess seeing Marlin reminded me of just how God filled a person could be. She is such a shining spirit and I could be too. I've just got to drop the shit. Who cares that I was doing wrong? It doesn't matter I should care.

And there is my self improvement tidbit of the day.
Until next time have a wonderful day!

The Winds Are Changing

Dearest Darlings,

I like change, it is no secret. Maybe I am too addicted to the thought of change, the thought of new things. Lately my life had been so... steady. I miss having a rush, having a thrill. I need a little rebellion. I truly do take after my mother in this way. The thing about being a change addict is that it is impractical. I would consider it one of my biggest weaknesses. It is dangerous and could be harmful. Not just to me but to my relationships with my friends and family (and if I ever get one a boyfriend).

My roomie and I have been joking around about improving ourselves. Well what if I did? What if I found something I didn't like about myself to work on every month this year? It is February and I am making a resolution. Stability.

Luckily I took a monastic interim and  I have a wonderful Philosophy teacher who lets me borrow from his personal collection of monastic books. Monks happen to know a lot about stability. They live with the same routine every week of their entire life. So I have resources to help me.

I am going to try embracing where I am in life. Enjoying the things that are happening, even if they happen daily. The first way I'm going to change myself is to not seek change. Congrats Cassandra you've made a paradox.

Later Lovelies

p.s. I could totally add blogging to my stable routine. That would be pretty cool.