Last Semester...

my life got really out of my control. I was kind of just floating around in a lot of shitty situations, feeling pretty helpless. And I shut down. I am still a little shut down.

Here is where I am:
1. Sick. I can't eat without intense pain. I'm going under a lot of anesthesia and getting a lot of tests. and the only thing the doctors can tell me is that it is probably all due to stress and will calm down if I keep taking medicine and I'm patient. I hate this. I tried to believe what the world taught me: that emotions don't mean anything, I'm a girl and I'm overreacting. And now I'm getting proof that this isn't true. It's taking me a while to digest, maybe because my stomach is a wreck.

2. Not finished with my semester. I still have two classes to finish. I am sicker than I have ever been before so this isn't as easy as it sounds. Between crying, trying to find the laying down position that hurts the least, and sleeping it all off it is hard to find time to write papers about things like Mussolini. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. Except keep writing when I feel good. So far I have 2.5/6 papers done. Yikes.

3. Scholarship-less. Although I have submitted a pretty convincing appeal, and a couple of teachers have written on my behalf, I have no way of knowing if my scholarship is returning. I just know that I'm scared. By the way I totally cried when I read the teachers e-mails fighting for me. Those Trinity professors really have my back.

4. Lost. I am lost and missing almost everyone who reminds me that life has meaning. I miss my best friends at school. I miss my boyfriend. Not to say that I don't have Colorado people, because I do. It is just. Missing is hard.


Here is where I want to be:
I want to figure some things out. Like what I need to value most in life. If I'm going to change myself, or just get back on my feet and make the same mistakes. I need to figure out what I learned from this last semester. Because I'm still not sure. I just know maybe I let myself take too much crap. Maybe I shutdown too much. Maybe I didn't stand up for myself enough. But these are all things I have yet to figure out and this blog is already getting long so...

I'll leave you with this: I am seeking encouragement. I am seeking empowerment. I am seeking God. If you feel you can help with any of that, do not hesitate. Because right now I'm confused about how I'm going to survive life if I couldn't even get through sophomore year, but I know that is a little melodramatic.

Thanks if you made it this far.